I wrote this poem when a student at Cedarville died very unexpectedly. Even though I didn't know him, I still felt the grief around me because so many loved him and missed him.

Now, I understand a little bit about grief, and when I say "a little", I mean "a little". When Aria died, it was so unexpected and so incredibly tragic. I was just looking back at my old journals today and I found the poem about the Cedarville student. I've come to realize that it reminds me of all that happened the weekend after Aria died. I don't know...just sayin.

"I've watched so many hurting people today, and wondered what could've gone wrong, you were such a young woman with so much to do, if only death had not sung your song.

It could've been me-it turned out to be you, and I know you're not sorry right now, we're the ones left with the pain in our chests, just wishing your nearness somehow.

You're taken away to a beautiful place, where you don't even know we're not there, your fears have been washed in the blood of the Lamb, and your burdens you no longer bear.

We have reason to praise and be thankful today, that you're safely at home and at rest, but somehow we're still crying and wishing for you, and hoping that God knows his best.

I don't doubt His love and His strong outstretched hand, and I don't doubt His promises deep, I don't doubt His heaven or angels or grace, or assurance of your soul to keep.

But I can't help but doubt that He knew of our pain or of your mom and dad's new heartache, or of friend's desperate need just to hear their dear friend, speaking love to heal each of their aches.

I've seen so many faces with tear stains today, and so many heads hung in sorrow, If God could keep souls in His loving embrace, then perhaps He'll give peace for tomorrow."

So, I've been in a funk lately. There's a couple people that are gone, and I miss them. I know sometimes these thoughts I have are not helpful to me. But today I just wanna sit and cry. So here's a song.

Everyday is a lifetime without you
Hard to get through, since you’ve gone
So I do the only thing I know how to , to get by
I’m living for the night

I’ve drawn all the curtains in this old house
To keep the sun out, off of my face
Friends stop by to check-in ‘cause I’ve checked out
I tell them I’m fine, I’m just living for the night

I can’t hide the tears I cry, the pain that came with
your goodbye
The memories that keep me out of sight
Every night I venture out, into those neon arms that
hold me tight
I’m living for the night

I’m a whole lot easier to talk to, when I’ve had a few,
settled down
Whiskey kills the girl you’ve turned me into
And I come alive
I’m living for the night

I can’t hide the tears I cry, the pain that came with
your goodbye
The memories that keep me out of sight
Every night I venture out, into those neon arms that
hold me tight
I’m living for the night
I’m living for the night

Everyday is a lifetime without you

So, I must say, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I am blessed and have been given everything I need. My family loves me. My roommate completely gets me. I have friends: guys and girls. People compliment me, which is very much appreciated. I have a job that I went to school to get. Most days people like me, and when they don't, I don't despair. I don't really feel like I'm gonna keel over at any moment, like I used to. I know I have people to turn to if I get overwhelmed. AND I made it through 1 year of teaching! I can do it. And even if I can't, the world might go on.

When I think about Aria's death, I get so glad that there is heaven. When I think about Aria's death, I get so glad that my eternity is not dependent on me. When I think about Aria's death, I get so glad that life is not all about me, nor is anything about me, and I'm so relieved. Cuz I suck. The more I see, the more I suck. And that's okay. And when I think about Aria and heaven, I'm all the more reminded of that.